This isn’t the first new beginnings post I’ve ever written, it may not be the last. This is my new, new beginnings post. My pivotal moment, whilst tucked into an unmade bed on a bleak Saturday night, my moment of clarity, my turning point.Life with depression and anxiety is bleak, it’s dark, it’s empty. The demons suck the life from your soul, they creep into your mind and body and shake it to its core. There’s no time for effort or joy, no space for confidence or control. It’s like watching the sun set but being blinded by its light, like clawing your way out of a bottomless pit.
Sometimes you manage to climb up, come within reach of the opening, here there is laughter and energy and a sense of self so rare that it shocks you into pushing yourself. It encourages you to hope, dares you to dream and shows you how life is meant to be. But then before you know it, you’ve slipped, your back at the bottom of the pit, being blinded by the light, trying and failing to hide away from its rays. That pit, those rays, they are all too familiar to me. I’m spending more time in the pit than I am outside of it. Not even trying to claw at the edges. Just surviving.That all stops. It all stops now.
My days of skipping meals and filling myself with sugar are over. My days of staying up past midnight making sure everything is perfect, gone. My days of learning to love myself and the body in which I carried two beautiful babies have just begun.
My daughter looks up to me, I am who she aspires to become… if she becomes what I have been, then I have failed her. I can’t fail her, I won’t fail her. I won’t fail either of them. I’ll show them courage and strength, teach them that loving yourself is the most important love of all. It won’t be easy, they’ll see me crumble, but they won’t see me quit.