Mummy Tries

There’s no right or wrong way to talk to children about emotions, no standard, no rules. I was this way before the children came along, truth be told I don’t know what it’s like to not feel as I do. My children don’t know me any other way, they love me unconditionally, without question or reason.

Sometime’s Mummy is happy, sometimes Mummy is silly, sometime’s Mummy is grumpy, sometime’s Mummy is sad. Sometime’s Mummy doesn’t want to get out of bed, sometime’s Mummy doesn’t want to go out and do things, sometime’s Mummy just wants a blanket and a cuddle. 

My mental health does not affect my capability as a mother. My children are happy, sociable and loving. They are kind, they are funny, they are generous. They are everything I hoped they would be and so much more. I haven’t allowed them to be dragged down with the crashing waves that consume my mind. I will not allow it.

Sometime’s Mummy walks, sometime’s Mummy sings, sometime’s Mummy laugh’s until her belly hurts.

Having mental health problems doesn’t mean I can’t, it doesn’t mean I won’t, it just means I struggle. Simple tasks like finding the motivation to do housework, get dressed, put my make up on and do my hair, they aren’t easy. For most they are a molehill, to me they are a mountain. But my kids? They go into school each day in fresh, clean, ironed uniform, with a lunchbox filled to the brim, hair done, teeth clean. They don’t know of the unexplained sadness Mummy feels, they don’t know that it took all my energy to get them to school and nursery, that it took every ounce of willpower I had.

I can’t function at 50%, I can’t let them see my tears, I can’t let them see my struggle. If that mean’s that I get through the day as best I can, get them to bed and let it out, then so be it. On difficult days we stay indoors, do crafts and watch movies. Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary moment, a little hand covers mine, a little arm slips around my neck, a tiny kiss is planted on my cheek. Those moments are powerful, they remind me what it is all about. They give me that extra push I often so desperately need. They have no idea of the strength they have instilled in me.

Despite everything, I will always be the best Mother I can be. For them, I will get better. For them, I will try. For them, I will carry on.

Sometime’s Mummy smiles. Sometime’s Mummy cries. Always, Mummy tries.

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